Sex under pressure: How to stop stressing and enjoy sex
Nowadays, we speak about sex more and more freely. However, this new freedom brings new pressures: the pressure to have sex frequently enough, the pressure to perform, and the pressure to come every time. These worries make us apprehensive to engage in sex at all and make it much harder to enjoy ourselves when we finally do. So, what can we do to relieve the pressure and rediscover our authentic sexuality?
Forget the instruction manuals
Experiencing difficulties with erections, delayed orgasms, or a temperamental libido? The world around us is full of advice on fixing common sexual problems. These tips usually look like recipes or instruction manuals. If we follow them step-by-step, we can put an end to the pressure and come into our sexuality’s full potential…right?
Not always. While the recommendations are inspiring and well thought out, they push us to test a lot of things that might not work for us. For example, if we read that clitoral stimulation is the best way to reach climax, what happens if it doesn’t work for us right away? We end up adding more pressure to an already stressful problem.
Instead of following one-size-fits-all advice, we should look at our bodies as uncharted territory. To reconnect with our intimacy, our pleasures, and our erogenous zones, we have to stop thinking that there’s only one way to go. We have to explore!
Concentrate on your sensations
When we make love under pressure, we’re not truly experiencing the present moment. We’re too busy with the thoughts about our performance or delivery: Do I look sexy from this angle? Am I doing this well? Am I going to come? Will I make my partner come? The more we repeat these questions during sex, the farther away we move from a pleasurable, sensational, shared experience.
To return to the here and now, we have to breathe and focus on what’s actually happening. Dare to discover the moment! What are the sounds we hear? Where are we being caressed? What does it make us feel? By focusing on what’s at play in the present moment, we forget our fears and pressures and increase our chances of enjoyment and ecstasy.
Understand that discovering our sexuality is a learning process
Much of the pressure we feel comes from our desire to succeed. We aim for success in our professional lives, love lives, and our sex lives – but we often feel frustrated when we don’t get it right on the first try. It’s only when we try, fail, and then try again that we can make progress and reach our potential.
In the bedroom, it’s the same story: just because this sexual encounter wasn’t mind-blowing, don’t fret! It takes time to get to know our partners. It also takes time for our bodies to find how they fit together and how they can pleasure each other. Sex isn’t a competition and it definitely isn’t a race to the finish. We have to relax and accept that sexuality is learned with time, experience, and practice.
Make a distinction between porn and your own sexuality
To release the pressures we feel about sex, we should take a look at the image and beliefs we’ve attached to sexuality. Pornographic films are exciting and can tantalize our curiosity and awaken new ideas in us…but what we see isn’t reality. So, why do we try so hard to copy what we see in porn? Why do we try to make the same moans and movements as the actors? Why do we feel so bad when we don’t come exactly like they do?
Our sexuality doesn’t belong to the actors, the movies, or other people; it’s uniquely our own. Keeping these performances as our standard is what keeps the pressure in our minds. It makes us feel that their way is the only way! It’s only when we discover our own standards and favorite sensations that we can finally feel satisfied.